Let 'er RIP!!!

Holy crap!!! This week makes 31!!!!!! Mmmmm... 31... reminds me of Baskin Robins, don't they have 31 flavors?! 31 amazing flavors...

Seriously though... we had another OB appointment yesterday and it seems the focus of our conversations these days are (gasp!) Delivery.... The appointment was going really well and I was feeling good (although super warm) and then I got stuck on this one piece of advice "...blah blah blah... stretch your vagina a couple times a day to prevent massive ripping..." UM. WHAT?! Then he's like "You can always have your partner help..." Which, don't get me wrong, sounds like a good time, but I'm still stuck on RIPPING. Apparently a wayward woman or two have ripped completely to their butt holes!

Yay. A sinkhole as a consolation prize. 

In other news, remember that house I was blathering about last week? Well it turned out to be a real nightmare. Leaks and cracks in the well and septic among other things. I was really looking forward to playing with what they had stored in the barn. Parade float puppets. Sigh. Back to square one, which is REALLY getting old. We're at 31 weeks here people... would we even be able to get into someplace before Vanson graces us with his presence? Needless to say tensions in our household are high. Kris wants desperately to get out of here, I can't help but think he wants to get out of here so badly before Vanson arrives because he doesn't want his son around some of the unsavories of the 'hood. I don't blame him for that one bit, but honestly, I'm not sure how much more stress I can handle at this point. 

I'll miss you float puppets, and all the opportunities of

drunken debauchery you provided...

Speaking of stress... I had the opportunity this morning to get massaged by Jeannie Gilbert at A Touch of Country Massage just outside of LaCenter, WA and it was amazing. It was so relaxing and when I left I felt great! On my way home I stopped at Freddie's to get some things to make dinner tonight and guess what I encountered? The check out lady said, "You look tired, must be having a rough day, I mean, look at all this junkfood!" Fuck you check out lady! I look tired because I'm relaxed as all hell after getting a massage! And ALL THIS JUNKFOOD?! 

Whoa people! Look at the fat lady buying ALL THIS JUNKFOOD.

Again, fuck you check out lady! On SO many levels! Take your stupid, smiling, insensitive self to time out! You sit there and stay there one minute for every year old you are! Unfortunately, you'd probably die in that stupid corner! Now gimme my groceries and shut up! And wipe that stupid grin off your joker face! I have started using deodorant for things it was not designed for and don't think I won't take my self-loathing out on you for it!!! Rawr!!!!! 

All of my round-ness.

As this pregnancy gets on to the last couple months here the husband and I have talked about having a date night. Ahhhh date nights. I miss them. We were supposed to have one last night... 

What date night has come to.

Already though?! I thought we were supposed to use our last couple months as a "couple" to be having some date nights, getting to the movies, or go to dinner... I blame the search for a new house robbing us of our time to be relaxed, of enjoying the end of the pregnancy, of laughing together. So, how do we get around it? How do we relax and enjoy each other again before the arrival of our son? 

Change is hard.

Hooray! Week 30 is FINALLY upon us and I thought this would be a magical day of celebration; confetti falling from every ceiling I happened to be standing under... but no. Today is not that magical day that I thought for sure would bloom... instead, I find myself absolutely terrified of all the change that seems to be happening around me! I thought I was pretty good at dealing with change, after all, I am pretty flexible... just ask the husband.

We have reached an agreement with the seller of the house in Eagle Creek and like a well-oiled machine we have moved through the steps and scheduled our inspections to be completed this Thursday. Funny, how a regular sale can move so quickly, it was only last Thursday that we put an offer in on this house. Our previous offer drug on for 7 tedious, grueling months to be finally let down and guess what? Not one week after the termination of that one did we get it sent back out in our email offered at the exact same price! 

Fuck you short sale!!

So this new place has me a little worried. Only because its more change on top of change. I worry that my dogs will be like WTF guys?! We live in a new space AND you're introducing a n00b into our pack?! I have to admit, I'm a little sad to be leaving this place on Mallory Avenue. There are a lot of memories in this house. It has a lot of character, although, if these walls could talk I would probably have to be REALLY nice to them or bribe them because they would tell sordid tales. I think what I'm having the most trouble coping with is the fact that someone else will move into here and they won't love it like I have. They probably won't treat it well, and that makes me sad. I've always had this thing where I assign human feelings to inanimate objects... this condition has a name... Anthropomorphism. I've also diagnosed myself with an anxiety disorder too... because I'm pretty sure how I'm feeling is not normal. I got stressed out today to the point of tears about all of this change. My poor husband! As soon as he saw me whisk myself away to try and hide the tears he high-tailed it to the kitchen and was like "What's wrong?!" His eyes wide with concern. I couldn't help it, I started crying again like a little baby and was like "There's too much change!" 

What the hell am I moaning and groaning about?! I should be totally high on life with all that is blooming for my little family! Our little guy is busy growing like crazy and about to grace us with his presence in 10 short weeks (HOLY CRAP) and we found a place for our little family to be able to grow. So what the hell is my problem? Am I not as flexible as I thought I was? I guess I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed. 

Actually... I just figured it out! 

Green.eyes.mcgee = Fatty McGhee

I get it. Nobody wants to hurt a pregnant ladies feelings. But damn! I'm freaking HUGE! I read in my pregnant science-y book that he's going to start doubling weight these last two months too. Great! You may all start referring to me as Mz. MuffinTop. Do you know how hard it is to put on shoes already?! If you've ever listened to Adam Sandler's "Fatty McGhee" then you've heard what I sound like just trying to put on shoes and socks. 

If I was town in last weekend I would've participated in the Naked BikeRide, you know why? So I didn't have to suffer alone! That's right! I would've burned this image into as many eyes possible because misery loves company! Actually... I thought about doing it only because I feel like I'm wearing a pregnant suit. I don't feel like this is me. I'm sure I've said this before, I feel as though I'm merely a passenger riding shotgun in this mobile double-wide. 

There's no way I can even initiate intimacy at this point. I feel like if Kris saw me naked the image would be burned into his head, ruining any chance at recovering our sex life. I feel like it would give him nightmares, there I'd be lying next to him (getting up yet again to go pee for the 5th time during the night) and he'd be tossing and turning muttering about whale sightings and a fear of being smothered. 

All that aside though, it's still pretty cool to feel Vanson moving about in there. I'm still writing in his book and reading about his development week by week. Its crazy to know his little bone marrow is producing cells and his brain is growing and creating more folds. I remember seeing his brain on one of the early ultrasounds and being like... "Uh... why doesn't his brain fill up the cranial cavity?" 

Homer Simpson seems to be a recurring theme in my pregnancy.

Of course they reassured me he was still just growing, but that was the image I had in my head. That image paired with my previous cravings for sprinkle donuts and beer has me wondering a little bit... 

break on through to the other side!

Week 29, one week closer to that magical 30 week mark! (which doesn't really mean much, but for some reason I am absolutely stoked to hit week 30)

Vanson is busy growing like crazy. It's funny, when people ask me how he's doing I find myself already saying he's "growing like a weed"... Pretty sure I'm not supposed to say that until they're able to stand upright... right? So, I'm wondering what I say to emphasize him growing sideways, or long-ways. Hmmmm... what grows sideways... long-ways... "He's growing like a big 'ol wiener!"

When I typed those last words I read them in Cousin Eddie's voice...

I got curious about what actually grows sideways and you know what I got? Pages and pages of grass, marijuana, and "queer" children.... Pretty sure that last one is not very politically correct.... Maybe I should just tell people he's running out of room in there. I feel like he is; he's been waking me up around 5 am just kickin' it (literally).  I feel him "rolling" around a little less, perhaps because my mucous-filled, gelatinous, amniotic sac is getting smaller and smaller around him.

I don't mean to complain about him getting bigger. It has it's perks...

Especially when its raining outside

So I was going through a bunch of clothes gifted to me from others (thank you to those of you who have been SO generous!) and not only did Isis try to roll in Vanson's clothes -I'll get back to this in a sec!, but I found this book: 

Awesome

I didn't expect much from this, I mean, it's written by Jenny McCarthy? Gimme a break. But I flipped through it and liked it immediately. I suggest pregnant ladies read it. It's comforting to know someone else feels the same way you do, has the same thoughts as their bodies transform into someone they don't recognize anymore, feels their thighs chafe, laughs at themselves and how ridiculous they are trying to be sexy... Thumbs up I say. 

Back to Isis... What the hell was she doing? Usually she rolls in stinky stuff like dead birds on the beach, larger animal poop while we're camping... you get the idea. So then there's a big fluffy basket full of just-washed baby clothes and she's trying to roll in it. Trying to put the scent on her face. Have any of you watched your dog behave this way? What does it all mean? Will she be his protector? I sure hope so. I've never seen her behave that way before... 

That baby is mine.

Welp, until next time... we may be discussing the awkward thing that has become "sex" and perhaps a new house! That's right, we looked at one today, and well, it was hot outside and I wasn't feeling well... so I used the master bathroom... ok. I tore that bathroom up. I sort of feel like we have to buy it now... 

I'm sure the odor lingered long after I'd gone... 

D'oh!

Boy we are moving right along, here we are at week 28 and I thought cravings would be over with by now. Nope. There are two cravings that are ruling my world right now: Donuts with Sprinkles and Beer. Wait a minute... am I turning into Homer Simpson?!

Oh my God. This. Is. Me. 

Allow me to elaborate on the donut issue. I wouldn't consider myself a true donut eater, I'll eat one if they're at work, but I don't typically buy them. I don't seek them out. If someone has gifted donuts at work, my first choice is one with cream in the middle. I'm all about the cream filling (hardy har har). Lately though sprinkles are ruling my world. One little colorful conglomerate of sugar at a time. I'm not sure exactly WHY I'm craving this food. I'm sure it has absolutely no nutritional value whatsoever, but when I want one, I really WANT one. So today while I was shopping at Fred Meyer I thought I'd casually check out their bakery section and perhaps buy one. What I found was an atrocity.

(gasp!)

WTF is that?!

Needless to say I did not take this sad little donut. I finished up my shopping (I bought healthy foods I'll have you know) and promptly headed to the donut shop a block away... 

JACKPOT

I was SO overwhelmed at how delicious these bad boys looked that I bought half a dozen. I don't plan to eat them all in one serving, but it's nice to have them on standby. As proof that consuming donuts isn't really ALL I'm eating these days, I give you, a picture of part of my lunch:

Mmmmm. Healthy.

My other craving, beer, has been REALLY strong. So strong, in fact, I have actually dreamt of drinking beer. Why?, I found myself wondering? Those of you who know me, would not consider me a beer drinker I'm sure. So I took to the internet and did many many searches of craving beer during pregnancy. Turns out, it's super common! It doesn't mean I'm a deep-seeded alcoholic after all! Yay! Apparently, beer has a ton of B Vitamins and also, the yeast helps in milk let-down. I've talked to a few people about this and most say a beer here and there won't hurt, some say just drink O'Douls to satisfy your craving if its so strong. So, my other splurge on this Memorial Day, I bought some O'Douls. 

My wet dream. 

Man how things have changed...

Vanson seems to be more active than ever these days. Seriously sometimes I look down when he's going crazy and I'm afraid he's gonna kick through! According to the literature, he's busy in there laying down some fat and practicing his sweet judo moves. He's also busy making little tooth buds. 

I hear pregnant ladies aren't supposed to lay on their back or their stomachs while they sleep because of circulation or discomfort... the past couple nights I've found myself half on my stomach, half on my side when I wake up in the morning. I wonder if this is because Kris is out of town this week. I should probably bust out the 'old body pillow so I can snuggle into that instead of smashing my face/ear/shoulder/belly into the firm bed and waking up sore every morning. 

A sweet surprise I found on the calendar.

It doesn't take much to make me swoon dangit.

I told him before he left that maybe we should take a before pic and then when he gets back he can see how much I've grown while he's away. There is something disturbing we discovered at work the other day. One of our Health Unit Coordinators put a wash basin up to me and was like, "All gone!" I couldn't believe it! Crazy, my belly fits in a wash basin! So weird!!! 

Now you see it...

Now you don't!

Looking at that second picture now makes me feel weird. I still don't feel like I look like myself. This whole experience has been such a physical and emotional experience. I don't identify with the second girl at all anymore. At least, not for now. But it is kinda neat that he fits right in there, freaky. As I had that basin up against my tummy he was moving around like crazy. I imagine he was thinking maybe "HEY! Who turned out the lights?!"

Another thing I did today was get a massage. It was AWESOME, and while I was lying there fading in and out of consciousness, I thought to myself, "why not make my own next milestone in this pregnancy? ... Why not celebrate the 30th week? ... Like... a Dirty 30 Week?"... I can see it now. Stained up wife-beaters abound! This pic that has been floating around the internet is what came to mind:

Needless to say, as soon as the Lavender Oil dissipated, I realized

it's probably not the greatest idea.

Now where is that O'Douls...

Sugar Free!

Here we are at week 27 and I am happy to report that I do not have gestational diabetes! Now that that test is out of the way it wasn't so bad, but it did make me feel bad when I had to do it. It's weird, but I looked at it as some sort of mile stone; a check point. I'm not sure there are anymore "check points" from here on out. We had another OB appointment this morning and per the doctor, appointments will become more frequent soon. She said starting at 30 week appointments will be every other week to monitor for things like pre eclampsia and other difficulties that can fly under the radar. That sort of made me excited, we're coming down to the last 3 months and soon we'll get to meet this little screaming, bundle 'o poop.

He's become more active. Like a LOT. I've been feeling him rolling around, getting comfortable, a few times I've felt his little, not-sure-which body part in my ribs. Nothing too painful, although I hear that will change, but that is a really cool feeling. He's woken me up in the morning with his rolling, and I've caught myself waking in the middle of the night with my hands on my belly, feeling for him. It's such a weird phenomenon to love someone SO much and be SO protective and not have met them yet.

Enough of the mush.

I bought him some headphones... well, ok. I bought myself some headphones in his name... (I have a feeling this will happen more than once)... and yes, I've subjected him to the Beastie Boys. He started moving around like crazy! I felt really stupid because I got really excited that he was moving a lot, and then I read that babies can easily startle... Was I scaring him? Sheesh. The volume was really low, but still...

ok ok. they're for me.

look at me. big dummy. scaring my baby half to death probably.

We're gonna focus on classical music from now on...

ps. why didn't someone advise against the stripes?!

So as time has gone on, I've noticed I've developed an absurd fear of stairs. It came on so subtly too... I'm going along, doing my thing and I'm not scared of heights, I consider myself a thrill seeker, and I come to a set of stairs and I'm like an elephant around a mouse. Terrified! I find I have to constantly look at the stairs, and sometimes when I'm going down them, I find myself a little confused for a moment like I'm about to misstep and fall. Weird! Where the heck did that come from? Is it due to the change in my center of gravity? I think I have like 8 steps to get into my house and I find myself having to even be careful on those. I sort of feel like the character on What About Bob... having to do "baby steps" and talk myself through getting down the stairs without falling. Has anyone else experienced that? 

Terrifying.

I've also noticed that I seem to be growing in a span of hours these days. I went to work one morning and I could zip my coat without difficulty. When I left the hospital to go home, I found myself having to struggle. Like the kid getting his snow suit on in A Christmas Story. You remember that kid don't you? Well you should because it's the best Christmas movie EVER! 

I can't put my arms down!

I'll have you know I can STILL zip my coat... technically. It takes some effort, some special breathing techniques are required, but hopefully this weather will change soon and I can put that jacket away anyway! Bring on the moo moo's and the flip flops! 

I sat down to skype with the husband last night and when I sat down, the belly decided to hit some buttons and change my screens on the computer. I couldn't help but laugh... 

Kris: "Those buttons are hangin' on for dear life." 

Whoa.

I'm not a big fan of bare belly photos for myself. My skin is pretty much translucent, it's more red around the bottom part of my belly because of the increased blood flow and again, I'm super pale. This is probably the closest I will get to posting a bare belly pic on the interwebs. I have to keep in mind someday Vanson might be able to dig this stuff up in an archive somewhere and I don't want to scare him. Apparently, I've done that enough with the headphones... (Sorry honey)

Glucose Tolerance

Well here we are at week 26 and I find myself spending this morning at the South Waterfront. Yep I am a slave to this lab for the next few hours...

Man am I hungry! Ok, I just had to get that out. No food until the test is done, minimal sips of water, and I had to drink a sizable amount of this hateful orange drink loaded with 75 GRAMS of glucose. 

This is halfway done. 

The lab tech kindly told me I needed to drink this horrible concoction within 5 minutes, no vomiting it up because we would have to do it all over again, no exercise (not a problem at the moment) and I could enjoy sips of water. For a girl who wakes up ravenous each morning, this is a real challenge. Oh, and did I forget to mention, I get to get stuck 3 times for blood draws today? Woo!

That drink tastes like suffering. 

So now I wait for the next draw at 9:07, then I get stuck again at 10:07... And you know, usually these things don't bother me. I've spent my fair share (and probably enough for your fair share) of time in a tattoo shop, I have a tattoo of a needle for crying out loud! Also my veins are like super highways under a clear layer of skin, but this guy had to "fish"?! OUCH!! Fucking OUCH dude! What is this? Your first day? Ever? In your life? Did you secretly murder the real lab tech and are posing in his position to carry out some other evil deed? Well if you did, I'm sure you did a bang up job there too buddy! Sheesh. 

Well I'm off to wander my work place and maybe ease my anxiety for the next blown out vein. :-( 

Well that wasn't too bad this time. Same tech, different vein and it went just like they usually go. Thankfully. My stomach is less upset and I have to think maybe its because I'm metabolizing that horrible drink. 

So its estimated that this week he has managed to grow himself to just under 2 pounds and somewhere like 14 inches long! No wonder I'm feeling his moves all over the place! It's really cool to feel him rolling over. It's a hard feeling to describe, it's like a wave, but from the inside pushing out. Not like a wave of nausea, more tactile, a rolling wave with noticeable pressure outward. The other morning I woke to him rolling around and I swear he got stuck for a moment, the wave abruptly stopped, then tried again, stopped, then tried again, I could feel him adjust himself and then try one more time and he completed his roll. That was probably the single most amazing moment I've had with him so far! 

Time for a pit stop! I'm SO close to being done! Yay!

Hello from the Portland Aeriel Tram

Home stretch now! Just waiting for the third and final draw! Then I get to eat!! Hooray! I can tell Vanson is pretty excited about the whole thing, kickin' like crazy! 

Well third and final poke went without incident! 

3 tiny little holes, no biggie. 

Now time to feed the beast! I met one of my BFF's Jackie for breakfast:

This is happening.

So now I get to wait to find out what the results are. If they don't post to my record online, I'll check it when I go to work. I'm really curious to know how my body handled that short, fat bottle of neon orange crap. 

How was everybody's Mother's Day? Hopefully everyone had a good day whether or not you celebrate it or whatever. I've heard plenty of mixed feelings, whether or not a pregnant lady is considered a mother. Kris' mom, Kathy, and his sister, Makenzie were so kind to give me Mother's Day cards and his mom had a onsie with Vanson's name put on it, it's SO tiny! 

13 weeks till we meet him... 

Cutest gift card EVER.

Whether you're pregnant, or your children are separate entities, whether they're human or not, whether they're your blood or not, I hope you ladies had a wonderful Mother's Day. 

Homeless? I prefer the term "Transient"

I don't want my baby to come out homeless.

Ok, so here we are at week 25 and maybe getting rejected for our little farm has been on my mind. If I work with you, you've more than likely heard me moaning and groaning that I feel like my baby is homeless. Some of you have been very sweet "home is where-ever mommy and daddy are" and so on. I get it, I know. I just felt like he didn't have a space. He didn't have a place to sleep. I felt very responsible for that. I let myself start feeling like a failure. I like to have a plan, always have a plan, so I found a great deal on a bassinet on Craigslist and spent about 4 hot dirty hours moving boxes and setting up a "Just in Case We're Still in This House" place for him... 

Maybe I jinxed us by insisting we pack a bunch of stuff months ago?

Ugh. Stuff.

poking my head out the window to peek on my girls in the yard 

abandoned desk area where I used to compute. Ahhhh how I love my laptop :)

Awesome sign some dear friends made for us. LOVE IT.

I guess we have furniture for him, this dresser will work, as will the end table and desk that go with it. 

Yay! 

I also LOVE the tree art, made by one of mah besties

Super sweet vintage books from Kathy (Kris' mom)

Is it weird that I sniff the pages? Mmmmmm old book smell!

Viola! Now he's not homeless! He's a transient!  

Oh man can I breathe a sigh of relief in the homeless category. We're still looking pretty hard at making a new home for our growing family, but damn that nesting feeling is CRAY! I wish you guys could've seen me cleaning that room! I was moving like it was 2am and I was methed out of my mind! Moving boxes, re-arranging stuff, muttering to myself, sweeping PILES of dirt on the floor, and of course it was hot so I had the windows open and the wind was blowing like crazy. By the time I was done my face looked like I was a chimney sweep...

I feel pretty

On a developmental note... did I tell you guys this fetus can now put his little hands over his ears if he hears a noise that's too loud?! SO weird! I wonder if he does that when I sing to him in the shower...  I can feel myself getting bigger by the day. It's getting increasingly harder to put my shoes on, and the urge to cry into my food still comes and goes. What I really want to know is: What do my organs look like now?! It's amazing to me that my organs know to re-organize themselves. Like a weird sort of biological Tetris... I love that game! 

Yeah, it's starting to feel like my organs are moving toward my throat...

Man that explains a lot.

I'm SO grateful my body is smarter than me. Does that make sense? It's a really trippy thing that my body is like, "oh, right, we need to re-organize to make room for this other WHOLE SEPARATE ENTITY, we'll just squeeze this, and shift that, oh, lungs, could you just shorten and fatten please? Thanks!" Who is the foreman here? Probably some hormone, huh? Those hormones win EVERY time! They're sneaky! If I was a paranoid schizophrenic, I would be at war with my hormones. I could see myself sitting at a bus stop, muttering about how I'm just a passenger in my body... that "they" are really running everything. Strangers would probably think I'm talking about the government or some conspiracy theory, but no, I'd be talking about hormones. ...because it's true... Because I'm not a paranoid schizophrenic, I'll just tuck those thoughts back up in there... 

Lets move on...

I can still fit mah clothes!

I use the term "fit" loosely...

Well, next week will be week 26, and alas, the dreaded Glucose Tolerance Test! I'll be blogging live from the South Waterfront during the whole 4 hour ordeal. C'mon. This test hasn't advanced to something more streamline? Sheesh. See you guys then!