First motherhood struggle

Man has it been a roller coaster of his first three weeks of life! Learning the rhythm of motherhood has been hard, but already SO amazing.

blows my mind that I made him. 

WHOA.

Some of you may already know that we have experienced weight problems already... 

not this kind...

more like this kind...

My poor baby lost some weight after birth, which I hear is normal up to 10%, however, he lost 11%. He was born at 7lbs 13oz and dropped to 6lbs 13oz. For 2 weeks after he couldn't get past 7lbs and started dropping again. I was seeing our family practice doc and an independent lactation consultant and they were both concerned. Aside from him screaming a lot and not having the little baby rolls that I love so much this is how I knew to be concerned as well. If the medical side AND and the tree-huggin' side of things are BOTH concerned, I'm on alert. 

My first feeling of failure as a mom. Sweet.

So after watching the scales and hearing his frantic crying and knowing deep down that cry meant hunger, my doc and I decided to supplement him AFTER breast feeding with formula. (GASP!) I know, wow, getting through the feeling that I'm less of a woman / less of a mommy has been a struggle. Hearing peoples' opinions and advice has been helpful for the most part, and a little surprising...  I've also been taking supplements to increase milk production... 

So I go from this...

to this...

Did you guys know there is such thing as Donor Breast Milk? While I consider myself open to ideas and whatnot, I just can't go there. I have a hard time thinking of putting someone else's bio hazard into Vanson. I don't mean that as a derogatory statement, I would just rather give him formula as a supplement that way I know exactly what he's getting. 

And I'm happy to report it's working!! Last Wednesday his weight was 6lbs 13oz. We started supplementing right away. 

Daddy gave him his first supplement

Man, it was like meeting a new baby afterward! His little tummy was full, he wasn't screaming, he started cooing and smiling and I started to relax. 

YAY!

We went in for another weigh-in on Friday and I was really crossing my fingers for a gain of at least a half ounce or an ounce... nope. 7lbs 2oz!!! 5 OUNCES!

Let the rolls commence!

After consulting with the amazing women I work with, I've discovered this "problem" is quite common and loads of women must supplement, and some women don't breastfeed at all. I can't even begin to tell you guys, or those wonderful women how much it meant to me to have that shared with me. These women I look up to have also either had to do this as well or, if they didn't, are not judging me or making me feel like less of a woman or less of a mother. I don't know what I would do without those women. I also asked my mom about it, and turns out, I was strictly formula fed because my brother (who is 3 years older than me) had the same issue as Vanson and my mom didn't want me to have that experience, so I went straight to formula after the all-important colostrum. After asking my mom about it she kept saying, "It doesn't mean I don't love you, or didn't love you then!" I know that, but that also shows me the great debate in formula vs. breast milk carries a life-long stigma. I'm going to try my damnedest to embrace it, be proud of it and not be ashamed. If my son is getting what he needs and thriving, then spare me the low whispers and silent judgement.