Go ahead. Make my day.

Week 32 is upon us and I must say... it's almost like I feel like I have my ear to the train track and I can feel that big 'ol beast a'comin....

The tremor is really slight right now, but definitely there... 

So I hear now is the time to start making sure that you have a "Hospital Bag" ready... Holy shit, you mean, this thing is really going to happen?! So I started getting my bag ready:

This is just the beginning...

I guess I still need to pack "throw away clothes"... these are clothes they say you shouldn't care if you get blood and "fluids" on... yuck. Yep, I'm a nurse and I'm fine with people getting all leaky and nasty, I'll roll my sleeves up and get elbow deep in that hot mess! 

-I typed in "elbow deep" in google images search engine and needless to say... I'll not be posting what it gave me... 

So... back to ME... to think of packing clothes I can get "fluids" on... is a little weird... because... well, they'll be MY fluids... it's weird to think that I'll be the one having something happening. I'm used to being the one in control. The one holding someone's hand telling them, "Don't worry, seems gross to you, but I see this all the time, it's OK! Really! It is! I promise!" And yes, to be honest, sometimes I go home and I'm like, you won't believe what I saw at work today!!!!! -Not passing judgements, mind you. Just, sometimes I'm blown away by what people can tolerate/pass/what human bodies can do/what stuff smells like, etc...

And I can't help but think... I might be someone's "Work Story" that day... Man I hope I'm not. For once in my life I just want to be run-of-the-mill. Boring. Plain. Routine. 

I mean, obviously for my family it'll be fucking amazing. It'll be amazing for me too, regardless of the "fluids" and blood and whatever happens. If I end up butt naked with all fours on the floor, it'll be amazing. Because my son will be being born, I can honestly say, the sun will shine out of my vagina for those minutes it takes for him to come through. 

Is this what it'll look like for him from the inside?

Speaking of family... (which is pretty cool to write BTW... that my family will be there...) I'm getting pretty excited for this little shindig coming up:

I'm pretty grateful for Kris' mom Kathy

She goes out of her way to make me feel special.

Apparently, my husband also goes out of his way to make me feel special too.

Remember that bathroom we've been updating? Well, it's finally finished. I'm glad too. I've been showering and using our bathroom in the basement mostly, and it's nice, don't get me wrong, but it's all the way downstairs! 

Before.

After.

Lately I've had pregnancy brain pretty badly and I keep forgetting stuff. I got home from work the other night and went to take a shower. I opened up the front door so the girls could go outside and hang out and I went downstairs to take a shower. Silly me, I forgot a towel and came upstairs to get one. What do I find when I come upstairs, but a strange man standing in my living room! Just inside the door! 

Except I was dressed, still. 

Scared the hell out of me! He looks me up and down and says, "I was just wondering if you needed someone to mow your lawn." (Um, it's 8:30pm on a Sunday night, and IT'S RAINING outside) I said, "No, my husband takes care of that." He turned and walked out of my house, walked down the sidewalk and let himself out the front gate!!! A little unsettling needless to say! WHAT. THE. HELL. I immediately shut and locked the front door and it's been on my mind since. What would've happened if I would've actually remembered my towel and been IN the shower as this dirty "groundskeeper" wandered into my home?! The weird thing is, my dogs weren't going crazy. They were just chillin'. Which made me think later, have they smelled this person before? Is he one of the unsavories from across the street who does Meth in the neighbor's garage? Did he give them a treat? Did he mean harm? Was he going to rob us? Did the fact that I'm a woman deter him? Or was it because I'm pregnant? I've never felt unsafe in this house before until then. Maybe because I'm in super momma-bear mode or something, but now of course, I'm on high alert. Which part of me hates, because I've always defended the area I live in. Other people call it the ghetto, but lets face facts people, Portland doesn't really have a ghetto. 

So, sadly, I find myself looking out my kitchen window, looking for dirty hoodie guy over at the meth house. If I see him over there I'll go crazy. I'll keep my front door shut and locked unless I'm actually hanging out in my living room, and (sigh) the house hunt will continue. 

In the meantime though, Vanson will continue to grow and I'll keep my ear to the tracks because I'm getting more and more excited to meet him! I can tell he's growing because his movements are a little slower at times and a LOT more pronounced. The other day at work I felt his little FOOT! His heel was sticking out of the left side of my stomach!! It was INSANE feeling! And he had hiccups for the first time! Makin' momma so proud already! 

Well, I'm going to waddle my largest-I've-ever-been-in-my-life body to bed now... Looking forward to feeling him grow more this next week, and well, hopefully I'm not blogging from jail next time because I had to waste some stranger in my house... 

Let 'er RIP!!!

Holy crap!!! This week makes 31!!!!!! Mmmmm... 31... reminds me of Baskin Robins, don't they have 31 flavors?! 31 amazing flavors...

Seriously though... we had another OB appointment yesterday and it seems the focus of our conversations these days are (gasp!) Delivery.... The appointment was going really well and I was feeling good (although super warm) and then I got stuck on this one piece of advice "...blah blah blah... stretch your vagina a couple times a day to prevent massive ripping..." UM. WHAT?! Then he's like "You can always have your partner help..." Which, don't get me wrong, sounds like a good time, but I'm still stuck on RIPPING. Apparently a wayward woman or two have ripped completely to their butt holes!

Yay. A sinkhole as a consolation prize. 

In other news, remember that house I was blathering about last week? Well it turned out to be a real nightmare. Leaks and cracks in the well and septic among other things. I was really looking forward to playing with what they had stored in the barn. Parade float puppets. Sigh. Back to square one, which is REALLY getting old. We're at 31 weeks here people... would we even be able to get into someplace before Vanson graces us with his presence? Needless to say tensions in our household are high. Kris wants desperately to get out of here, I can't help but think he wants to get out of here so badly before Vanson arrives because he doesn't want his son around some of the unsavories of the 'hood. I don't blame him for that one bit, but honestly, I'm not sure how much more stress I can handle at this point. 

I'll miss you float puppets, and all the opportunities of

drunken debauchery you provided...

Speaking of stress... I had the opportunity this morning to get massaged by Jeannie Gilbert at A Touch of Country Massage just outside of LaCenter, WA and it was amazing. It was so relaxing and when I left I felt great! On my way home I stopped at Freddie's to get some things to make dinner tonight and guess what I encountered? The check out lady said, "You look tired, must be having a rough day, I mean, look at all this junkfood!" Fuck you check out lady! I look tired because I'm relaxed as all hell after getting a massage! And ALL THIS JUNKFOOD?! 

Whoa people! Look at the fat lady buying ALL THIS JUNKFOOD.

Again, fuck you check out lady! On SO many levels! Take your stupid, smiling, insensitive self to time out! You sit there and stay there one minute for every year old you are! Unfortunately, you'd probably die in that stupid corner! Now gimme my groceries and shut up! And wipe that stupid grin off your joker face! I have started using deodorant for things it was not designed for and don't think I won't take my self-loathing out on you for it!!! Rawr!!!!! 

All of my round-ness.

As this pregnancy gets on to the last couple months here the husband and I have talked about having a date night. Ahhhh date nights. I miss them. We were supposed to have one last night... 

What date night has come to.

Already though?! I thought we were supposed to use our last couple months as a "couple" to be having some date nights, getting to the movies, or go to dinner... I blame the search for a new house robbing us of our time to be relaxed, of enjoying the end of the pregnancy, of laughing together. So, how do we get around it? How do we relax and enjoy each other again before the arrival of our son? 

Change is hard.

Hooray! Week 30 is FINALLY upon us and I thought this would be a magical day of celebration; confetti falling from every ceiling I happened to be standing under... but no. Today is not that magical day that I thought for sure would bloom... instead, I find myself absolutely terrified of all the change that seems to be happening around me! I thought I was pretty good at dealing with change, after all, I am pretty flexible... just ask the husband.

We have reached an agreement with the seller of the house in Eagle Creek and like a well-oiled machine we have moved through the steps and scheduled our inspections to be completed this Thursday. Funny, how a regular sale can move so quickly, it was only last Thursday that we put an offer in on this house. Our previous offer drug on for 7 tedious, grueling months to be finally let down and guess what? Not one week after the termination of that one did we get it sent back out in our email offered at the exact same price! 

Fuck you short sale!!

So this new place has me a little worried. Only because its more change on top of change. I worry that my dogs will be like WTF guys?! We live in a new space AND you're introducing a n00b into our pack?! I have to admit, I'm a little sad to be leaving this place on Mallory Avenue. There are a lot of memories in this house. It has a lot of character, although, if these walls could talk I would probably have to be REALLY nice to them or bribe them because they would tell sordid tales. I think what I'm having the most trouble coping with is the fact that someone else will move into here and they won't love it like I have. They probably won't treat it well, and that makes me sad. I've always had this thing where I assign human feelings to inanimate objects... this condition has a name... Anthropomorphism. I've also diagnosed myself with an anxiety disorder too... because I'm pretty sure how I'm feeling is not normal. I got stressed out today to the point of tears about all of this change. My poor husband! As soon as he saw me whisk myself away to try and hide the tears he high-tailed it to the kitchen and was like "What's wrong?!" His eyes wide with concern. I couldn't help it, I started crying again like a little baby and was like "There's too much change!" 

What the hell am I moaning and groaning about?! I should be totally high on life with all that is blooming for my little family! Our little guy is busy growing like crazy and about to grace us with his presence in 10 short weeks (HOLY CRAP) and we found a place for our little family to be able to grow. So what the hell is my problem? Am I not as flexible as I thought I was? I guess I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed. 

Actually... I just figured it out! 

Green.eyes.mcgee = Fatty McGhee

I get it. Nobody wants to hurt a pregnant ladies feelings. But damn! I'm freaking HUGE! I read in my pregnant science-y book that he's going to start doubling weight these last two months too. Great! You may all start referring to me as Mz. MuffinTop. Do you know how hard it is to put on shoes already?! If you've ever listened to Adam Sandler's "Fatty McGhee" then you've heard what I sound like just trying to put on shoes and socks. 

If I was town in last weekend I would've participated in the Naked BikeRide, you know why? So I didn't have to suffer alone! That's right! I would've burned this image into as many eyes possible because misery loves company! Actually... I thought about doing it only because I feel like I'm wearing a pregnant suit. I don't feel like this is me. I'm sure I've said this before, I feel as though I'm merely a passenger riding shotgun in this mobile double-wide. 

There's no way I can even initiate intimacy at this point. I feel like if Kris saw me naked the image would be burned into his head, ruining any chance at recovering our sex life. I feel like it would give him nightmares, there I'd be lying next to him (getting up yet again to go pee for the 5th time during the night) and he'd be tossing and turning muttering about whale sightings and a fear of being smothered. 

All that aside though, it's still pretty cool to feel Vanson moving about in there. I'm still writing in his book and reading about his development week by week. Its crazy to know his little bone marrow is producing cells and his brain is growing and creating more folds. I remember seeing his brain on one of the early ultrasounds and being like... "Uh... why doesn't his brain fill up the cranial cavity?" 

Homer Simpson seems to be a recurring theme in my pregnancy.

Of course they reassured me he was still just growing, but that was the image I had in my head. That image paired with my previous cravings for sprinkle donuts and beer has me wondering a little bit... 

break on through to the other side!

Week 29, one week closer to that magical 30 week mark! (which doesn't really mean much, but for some reason I am absolutely stoked to hit week 30)

Vanson is busy growing like crazy. It's funny, when people ask me how he's doing I find myself already saying he's "growing like a weed"... Pretty sure I'm not supposed to say that until they're able to stand upright... right? So, I'm wondering what I say to emphasize him growing sideways, or long-ways. Hmmmm... what grows sideways... long-ways... "He's growing like a big 'ol wiener!"

When I typed those last words I read them in Cousin Eddie's voice...

I got curious about what actually grows sideways and you know what I got? Pages and pages of grass, marijuana, and "queer" children.... Pretty sure that last one is not very politically correct.... Maybe I should just tell people he's running out of room in there. I feel like he is; he's been waking me up around 5 am just kickin' it (literally).  I feel him "rolling" around a little less, perhaps because my mucous-filled, gelatinous, amniotic sac is getting smaller and smaller around him.

I don't mean to complain about him getting bigger. It has it's perks...

Especially when its raining outside

So I was going through a bunch of clothes gifted to me from others (thank you to those of you who have been SO generous!) and not only did Isis try to roll in Vanson's clothes -I'll get back to this in a sec!, but I found this book: 

Awesome

I didn't expect much from this, I mean, it's written by Jenny McCarthy? Gimme a break. But I flipped through it and liked it immediately. I suggest pregnant ladies read it. It's comforting to know someone else feels the same way you do, has the same thoughts as their bodies transform into someone they don't recognize anymore, feels their thighs chafe, laughs at themselves and how ridiculous they are trying to be sexy... Thumbs up I say. 

Back to Isis... What the hell was she doing? Usually she rolls in stinky stuff like dead birds on the beach, larger animal poop while we're camping... you get the idea. So then there's a big fluffy basket full of just-washed baby clothes and she's trying to roll in it. Trying to put the scent on her face. Have any of you watched your dog behave this way? What does it all mean? Will she be his protector? I sure hope so. I've never seen her behave that way before... 

That baby is mine.

Welp, until next time... we may be discussing the awkward thing that has become "sex" and perhaps a new house! That's right, we looked at one today, and well, it was hot outside and I wasn't feeling well... so I used the master bathroom... ok. I tore that bathroom up. I sort of feel like we have to buy it now... 

I'm sure the odor lingered long after I'd gone...