My Butthole: The Innocent Bystander.

I am considered full term this week and I'm not quite sure how I feel about this. I surely don't feel ready... I mean yeah I'm more tired, my toes look like sausages at the end of the day and every time I get in the car or try to put on shoes or bend for anything my face turns beet red for a second, my tongue hangs out and I make the most unattractive grunting noise ever! Fine, sometimes a fart squeaks out too...

What? ...What smell?...No, no, that wasn't me. 

But this does not mean I am ready. I am not "tired of it" or "over it". I know I will miss him being in there, I will miss this "hands-free" version of motherhood. It's just so convenient to have my hands and arms available at all times, so convenient to have quiet...

I can do a bazillion things at once!

Hooray!

I am experiencing a new weird sensation though! It feels like I have to poop almost all the time. Definitely ALL the time when I'm at work, then MOST of the time when I'm off... but here's the thing, I don't have to actually poop. W.T.F. ??? Has anyone else felt this weird sensation?? I'm starting to get paranoid... will I be constipated soon? Will I get hemorrhoids on top of morphing into Fat Gumby?! K, I'm going to spare you the horrific images displayed to me when I typed in "Hemorrhoids" in google search... I am... speechless right now at what I just saw. Hemorrhoids are NASTY BUSINESS! Holy crap people! Seeing those images made me wanna go grab every laxative known to man and just guzzle to prevent my little butt hole from having to sustain permanent damage... After all, what did my butt do to deserve that?! My butt has nothing to do with this! It's not my butt hole's fault that my vagina has a house guest for a few more weeks! It makes me sad that my butt hole could be caught in the crossfire.

This is my butt hole looking toward my vagina.

Right now.

On a lighter note, I got to hang out with my friends at the race track this past weekend and I felt like myself again! 

You know its bad when you keep your friend's helmet on just to smell the sweat.

I felt strangely more perverted smelling the helmet than I would've had I smelled someone's seat.

Of course being at the track was cool and I was happy to see my friends do extremely well but this impending delivery is never far from my mind. Vanson is losing room by the day and I can feel him more and more. It's definitely more painful everyday, no, not the feet swelling and all that ugly business, but I mean his movements. Because they are more pronounced there is never a dull moment going on in my body between my diaphragm and my low pelvis. He's either sticking his foot out, in my ribs, sucker punching my bladder, or squishing my colon. I've been feeling my uterus flexing more as well... when it does I feel like it should be screaming a low, guttural scream, like a guy sounds when he's squatting a bunch of weight. 

Just gettin' ready for the birth, don't mind me.

Something that's been on my mind lately... water breaking. How cool would it be for Vanson to be born veiled? I know its an old wives tale, but veiled kids are supposed to be special, to have extra senses, whether that's seeing auras or being clairvoyant, or having a 6th sense. One step further though... kids born in the bag. Yeah, water never breaks and they slide on through all intact. Born with what's called a "Caul".

Born in the bag.

Nice 'n tidy.

I wonder how that feels? Does the mother still bleed a little bit? I would imagine she has to. How is that bag supposed to squeak by if it's all dry and stuff? Do they let the dad break the bag? Can the baby hang out in the bag for a bit and be fine? Makes me wonder if my water will break. When it does, will I know it? 

Did anyone else hear that gush?

What was that?

Speaking of water breaking... my husband asked me to put together a list of things I'd like and not like during the big event. I thought that was very thoughtful of him. I think he's getting excited to become a dad, and that makes me more excited too! I can see myself taking photo after photo of Vanson sleeping on his chest, and I'm sure the site will make me cry because I'll be so proud... anyway, back to the list... I have to say, I feel resistant to the idea of Pitocin. Why? You ask... I'm afraid it'll stress Vanson out too much and could lead to an unnecessary C-Section... I'd also like to give it a go as long as I can without an epidural... we'll see what happens, I'd like to say I'm just going to roll with things. But honestly, the things I care about most: Don't cut his cord until it's done pulsing, don't give me Pit unless I absolutely need it, and lets not do an epidural unless I absolutely need it. Oh, and don't break my water. I'd also like to labor at home for a bit first, you know, when it's not a big deal. I don't wanna run off to the hospital the minute I notice a pattern. I'd like to walk it out a little first. I'm afraid they'll stick me in a bed and throw a monitor on me and not let me move around. 

I need to walk around!!!

But who really knows just yet. It could be pain that just absolutely cracks me in half with light splitting out of me. It could be 36 hours of intense labor, maybe so painful I pass out? Anyway, my point is, who the hell really knows what it'll be like for me. I think I just need to keep telling myself to be as open as possible and when the big show happens I need to just do what I need to do to get 'er done. Just like all the ladies that have done this before me. 

Tough broads right there.

36-24-36 (not sexy when these measurements are your thigh-knee-calf)

OMG you guys! Did you know I'm about considered "full term"?! Ssshhhhhhhh!!!! Do you hear that?! Don't worry, it's just me hyperventilating...

BABY!!!!!!

Y U NO BE PREDICTABLE! 

I remember just a few short months ago, I would consult this app I have on my phone and it has this timeline function... I remember looking forward and thinking, dang! I can't wait to get to the end of this timeline... now that I'm about there it's pretty nerve wracking.

Um.... <choke>... pretty exciting. <choke>

Still slightly swelling a little bit and I have to say my biggest complaint as of yet is painful feet. Those two poor little feet have never had to carry this much weight in their lives. In the morning when I get up, I seriously dread standing because the balls of my feet hurt SO damn bad. 

When I look down, this is what I see...

Trust me, when I get up in the morning I sure wanna squeal like a pig. 

I was in so much pain after I got off work the other night all I could think about was getting a hard nasty foot rub-down. -Sounds so adult, doesn't it... well I took to Google and searched "Foot Therapy Portland" and I'll be damned! There is a place in Portland JUST FOR FEET!!! 

I wasn't the only pregnant lady in there either!

SQUEEEEEE!!!!!

One glorious hour of some poor soul dealing with my fat, gnarly, sweaty, mangled pregnant-lady feet while I get to relax and pretend that I don't feel bad that her beautiful smooth hands have to man-handle my grossness. Seriously though, they've ached so badly lately that my feeling bad about someone having to touch my feet only lasted a moment. Lucky for me my husband doesn't read this, so tomorrow night after I get off work I'll sweetly ask him to give me a hard nasty rub-down. He does a really good job actually. Lots of pressure.... Man how things have changed... I used to get excited about such different things. 

Which brings me to my next topic... I used to have a Ducati Monster. Yep. "Used to". Sold my Ducati today... 

His name was "Him". 

It's a sad day, but also, strangely, I'm happy about this. Happy because the guy who bought him seems like he knows bikes. Also, because he isn't a douchey douchebag. Sad because I'll miss Him, and we've had some really great times. 

So, now that time is limited for my little one here in the womb, the third and final baby shower has come and gone. I must say, the generosity has been overwhelming. I feel most lucky that there are a lot of women in my life who have shared some great advice, and many women in my life who can serve as great resources. It really does take a village. I've been busy just being a sponge and listening with wide eyes and a gaping mouth at everything I've been hearing. 

I figured, it's Portland.

We'll just put a bird on it too. 

Back to the baby showers, they were all really fun and I had a great time at each of them. This last shower was put on by the Grandmother-to-be and I'm excited that she's so excited! Here's a few snapshots from the shindig that makes me feel like this little hooligan in my belly is the royal baby everyone keeps talking about. 

Makes me smile every time I see his name.

Dessert anyone?

Lemon cupcakes Auntie Mak made. SO good!!!

SO cute!

My pretty girl seeking refuge among the foliage.

Probably THE coolest ride this baby will ride in.

Ever.

Because we're poor.

Anyway, the generosity of everyone and the well-wishes, and all the advice and sharing stories have been really great to hear. It's empowering to hear other peoples' experiences and to have people say, "If you just need to vent, gimme a call." or whatever. Means SO much. Also, to know that body parts go back to "normal" and that people "bleed forever" and end up ok, is nice to hear. If I let my mind wander too much on these topics I find myself going down this rabbit-hole and before I know it I have visions of a depressed, suicidal "Carrie" in my head...

Should I be bleeding this much...

Until next time... I'm sure I'll be freaking out about something else... Dare I say I might be freaking out about moving to Washington? ... 

Pregnancy-Induced What?!

I would consider myself relatively lucky thus far in my pregnancy. I mean, here we are 35 weeks down, working on week 36 and so far, no health problems! I mean, the constant threat of Pre-Eclmapsia is always looming I guess, but I seem to have been chugging along just fine until... well I noticed my hands going numb... They are numb every morning when I wake up and I've noticed them going numb periodically when I'm awake. Apparently, women sometimes get whats called "Pregnancy Induced Carpal Tunnel" This is caused by a little extra fluid compressing some delicate little ligaments and nerve pathways in the wrist. This kid is wreaking havoc on my body! He better be freaking awesome or I'm going to be pissed. Not only do I feel about as attractive as Chris Farley:

So sexy.

...but I also now feel like I have the hands of a dried out, old hobbit now too...

Ahhh isn't pregnancy just full of glitter and wonder?

Although I can't help but ask... does this preclude pre-eclampsia? I certainly hope not. My appointments have been great so far, no protein in the urine, my blood pressure has been rock-solid at 90's over 60's... the only thing that worries me lately I guess is this whole VERY mild swelling thing. I've noticed my feet get a little more puffy at night, I can still see my bones and veins, it's just not as pronounced as usual... and I've noticed getting my rings off at the end of the day can prove difficult if I don't use lotion to help me... 

Sausage Fingers.

Waaaaaay better than suffering from dick fingers. How awkward would THAT be?!

How hard would it be to find gloves?

As time has gone on this past week, I've found I'm suffering less from heartburn. Hooray! I've read this may indicate he's "dropping"... I hope he doesn't drop too far... or get too ready, I want him to stay put! I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he at least stays until 40 weeks. Every time I pass by a mirror I look at my belly and try to figure out if it's lower than before... I don't think it is... What do you guys think?

Got that sexy little number for my hospital stay...

Based on responses to last week's post, I've upgraded my bag to include nursing tops, throw-away underwear, and nice new socks. Sometimes the thought occurs to me... will I be in a position to actually grab that bag when the time comes or will I look back and laugh thinking, "silly naive girl, thought she'd be prepared?! HA!" The woman who loves to plan for things, who loves surprises, yet hates to be unprepared. I guess time will tell. 

On an awesome note... I have a new favorite onsie for him. Most of you know I'm a huge Beastie Boys fan and his initials will be VW. Can you see where I'm going with this? Remember the number 2 fashion staple of rappers in the 80's? I say number 2 because number 1 was obviously a pair of sweet Adidas kicks. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you,

Run DMC

The number 2 80's rapper fashion item was of course, the big thick chain complete with hood ornament. Most commonly worn was the VW. I have a soft spot in my heart for 80's rapper fashion.

These guys don't need an introduction. 

If you don't know who they are, choke yourself.

And of course, my favorite, Mike D, is representin' VW. So, with that being the longest explanation to my new favorite onsie, finally, I'll show it to you:

OMG!! So adorable!!!!!!!

This is a gift from Kris' mom and it has got to be the coolest little onsie EVER! Don't get me wrong, I've gotten a lot of adorable little outfits for him, in fact, he'll probably never have to wear the same thing twice... but this just gets me. Which brings me to another question I've had for awhile now... what the hell is it about something being so cute or adorable that inspires the proclamation of cannibalism?! You know what I'm talking about, hell, I bet most of you have found  yourself say these exact words: "They are SO cute I just wanna eat them right up!" <--- why?! I've heard this used when referring to babies, or puppies, or kittens, or whatever the hell else is small and adorable. But why? If you think about it, it's actually quite terrifying. 

Muzzle yourself Hannibal. 

That's better. Now don't touch my kid.

Stomach Acid tastes like Hurty.

Week 34 and all is well! :) He's estimated to be a little more than 18 inches long and around 5.3 lbs... explains a lot. The other night driving home from work I couldn't bend much more than sitting to drive, his little feet were pitter-pattering on my diaphragm and consequently that kicked a bunch of stomach acid up into my mouth.

Mmmm. Corrosive. 

On a more exciting note, my body is supposed to be getting ready for delivery! Could this be why I felt a weird contraction wrap all the way around my back today?! I've never felt anything like that before and I found myself stop everything and just experience it. My brain couldn't register it with any past experience before, I could feel my memory pathways creating a new file in my brain. Such a strange experience... felt like hands wrapping around my back and squeezing a wee bit... but from the inside, with a concurrent squeeze through the front of my tummy too. Does this sound familiar to you moms out there? Am I right in thinking this was a contraction, or did I just have a turd jack-knifed in there? 

I hate when this happens. So painful! 

I didn't have to poo, so I'm pretty sure this was a new type of contraction. That's pretty exciting! Made me get my booty in gear and REALLY get serious about packing a hospital bag. I told some peeps at work what I had packed so far... you know, toiletries, a couple stuffed animals, a onsie... they were like, "Um... stuffed animals?! Are you serious?" I realize now it sounds ridiculous, eh? In my newborn photo I had a teddy bear! So... I whittled the stuffed animals down... to just one... 

Who's looking more responsible? This lady!

Of course I should pack diapers! That thought hadn't even occurred to me. Sheesh! I am SO obviously new at this... another one of my work peeps had to help me collapse a freaking baby stroller. Uncharted territory I tell ya. I'm feeling much better about this hospital bag now. Diapers, baby wipes, a blanket, swaddle blankets, burp cloths, my toiletries and still the one stuffed animal remains. How could it not?! It's freaking adorable! I want him to have it in his little first photos. It's so soft and cute, ok, ok, maybe it's more for me. So what?! I think I need to pack a smaller onsie or outfit or whatever, just in case he's a little smaller, and throw in a dress to wear home and some throw-away underwear... maybe some socks... a camera... and I think we're good. I told Kris he might want to bring some stuff, extra change of clothes or whatever, but he's a man and needs no such things. :) I've probably over packed as it is. I'm sure we're both not going to be quite ourselves... 

"Kris! You did this to me!!!"

Some things I've noticed in this past week... I've become more tired, again. I get the girls to the doggy park everyday I'm off, and I find I need to sit down on those picnic tables periodically and rest. I've also noticed a mid-day power nap really benefits everyone around me... Our break room at work had a make over recently, and I'm really digging this:

There was another pregnant lady laying on the couch at the time, so I

rigged this set up. 

If I had the energy at the time, I would've asked someone to take our picture, laying like we were, but man was I exhausted and just needed to rest my eyes for a sec. 

Another thing I've noticed is I've become a catch-all. There are stains on my shirt I didn't even know were there because I can't see them, they're on the UNDERside! ...yeah... I have an under-side now. 

Usually works better if I ingest my protein drink, not wear it. 

(this was taken right before the whole thing got spilled on me anyway)

(-that was NOT my fault btw)

I went shopping today thinking maybe I could feel better about myself by finding a cute summer dress to wear to yet, another baby shower. Man did I fail. Thankfully that hormone Relaxin is kicking in, part of me thinks it's working just so I can maneuver all the fabric associated with maternity dresses! Trying on dresses made me feel like the fattest ninja ever to exist... then when I finally got one on the correct way the outcome was terrifying and I had swamp ass. 

That festive little bow is mocking me.

Notice how I'm accentuating my belly here? I had to, otherwise I just looked like a huge white canvas with a trapped, scared little head at the top. This dress looked so dang cute on the hanger too. I settled for a nursing top and the lady ringing me up tried to make me feel better. I don't think the sheer terror had let my face relax just yet... she could sense my dismay. "You really look great... really, I've seen some pregnant women come through here that don't look so great." This lady deals with female customers, she knows what to say, and she seemed genuine, and she was very nice, but nothing could erase that feeling I had of just wanting to wrap myself in a toga and call it good. 

Except with a toga. And maybe a fan...

Some like it hot!

Lucky 33 and Portland is going through a heat streak! Granted, I've spent the majority of my time holed up in my bedroom where my husband was kind enough to install our window AC unit... but I'm going to also take it as a good sign that I've actually not swollen like a puffer fish!

HELP ME PUT MAH SHOES ON!!!

We had another OB appointment this morning and man is Vanson's heartbeat strong! He's estimated to be around the size of honeydew melon, weigh about 4-5.8 lbs, and be around 17-18 inches long. No wonder his movements are more pronounced. I still feel his kicks, but I also feel these serpent-like wave movements. I can only describe it as, you know how you see dolphins swimming along and they come up from the water, but not all the way? You can see their dorsal fin and some of their back, then they go down again in a smooth fluid movement? It's like that, but all contained under my skin. 

I'm growing Flipper.

So I had lunch with a friend today whose due date was actually TODAY. Whoa! I can't help but be SO excited for her! I think MY ear is to the tracks feeling that beast speeding toward me at 100+ mph? Her tracks are probably shaking so much she's about to fall off! In all honesty though it is very refreshing to talk to someone who is feeling the same ups and downs, shares the same concerns and can validate all of the crazy. It's nice to know that what I'm experiencing and the thoughts, fears, and hopes I'm feeling doesn't mean that I need medications. There's something about commiserating with someone who is in the thick of it too that is so damn comforting. Talking with her also made me realize how much courage she has and made me have a little more courage for it I think. 

We were supposed to get maternity photos done today. Yeah, you read that right. Didn't happen. Our unsavory neighbors had some even more unsavory guests over to use their "garage" = Meth Den and it went up in flames. Kris and I were sitting down to dinner and I happened to look out the dining room windows which face their house across the street and I saw this wall of thick, brown smoke. I'm telling you guys, I should be a detective because I notice things. I nudged Kris and said, "What the hell is that?!" He popped up faster than I've ever seen him get up and said, "That's a working fire! Call 911!" We both race to the kitchen window and it's just a wall of brown outside. Kris runs over to their house and I'm outside on the phone with dispatch. I see the older woman who lives over there wandering down the driveway from the garage looking haggard as usual. I mean, really, this woman looks like a living, breathing (barely), walking halloween mask. I ask her if there's anyone in the garage and she says no. I then ask if anyone is in the house. -Now lately there have been some younger equally haggard women over there with two small children, one infant and one kid probably 6-8 yrs old, yeah, real winners people. The Old Haggard says the kids are in the house, so I run across the street and try yanking their front door open because, while I'm no rocket scientist, something tells me a fire can spread, the Old Haggard stumbles over and puts her hand on the door like she doesn't want me to go in there. 6-8 yr old boy comes to the door and I just tell him to get his brother and come with me. Just then I see one of the Younger Haggards stumble out from a back bedroom, one flip flop on, half smoked, unlit cigarette in her mouth and she's yelling about her cellphone. She disappears in the bedroom after I tell her to get the infant and she brings him back and hands him to me. You know, no big deal. Then she starts looking for her cell phone again. I get the infant and the older boy across the street. Kris is over there waiting for his buddies to show up with their engines and trucks. As I'm standing there I notice a healing burn on the 6-8 yr old boys shoulder so I ask him, "Did you fall? How did you get hurt?" I go to touch it and he winces away and shuts his mouth, his mom is coming back over to us. Shady? Hmmmm. So most of the time, I'm holding this infant who has dirt in his little fat folds and scratches all over his little face. A few more of their "associates" show up, and boom! Everybody scatters. She take the boy from me and they bolt. I look around and guess why? Portland Police showed up. I guess also with any fire an investigator comes out too. The guy whose dad owns the house told the investigator to be careful in the "garage" because theres needles all over the place... 

This is why we want to move. Needless to say, the fire is out, all of their dumbasses are safe, and here we are not 3 hours later and the guy whose dad owns the house is out there trying to make the "garage" operable again. The foam from the fire guys has barely dissipated. 

From my kitchen window after the big show.

Cutting out "hot spots"

Another concerned neighbor and myself spoke with officers at length about the shenanigans that go on over there at all hours and the suspected child abuse that is happening. The officer gave me his card with his direct line and let me know I could call him anytime. I don't think I've ever felt so much rage at someone as I do those kids' momma. What a failure. -Also, it's important to note the guy who actually owns the house is in a care home after getting his leg amputated from a gangrenous wound and poorly controlled diabetes, he's probably 70-something and has a general doesn't-give-a-damn type attitude. 

I said all that to say this: We missed our photography session! We couldn't leave because the fire trucks had us blocked in. It's fine that we did because I hope those idiots feel exposed. I hope they feel like they're under radar, because they are. I hope those kids make it somewhere safe and reliable. I hope those haggard bags realize what they've done someday. And I hope we move soon. 

But alas! There is light at the end of this tunnel! Kris was a doll and did my maternity photo shoot for me! 

Just look at that glow!