My Butthole: The Innocent Bystander.

I am considered full term this week and I'm not quite sure how I feel about this. I surely don't feel ready... I mean yeah I'm more tired, my toes look like sausages at the end of the day and every time I get in the car or try to put on shoes or bend for anything my face turns beet red for a second, my tongue hangs out and I make the most unattractive grunting noise ever! Fine, sometimes a fart squeaks out too...

What? ...What smell?...No, no, that wasn't me. 

But this does not mean I am ready. I am not "tired of it" or "over it". I know I will miss him being in there, I will miss this "hands-free" version of motherhood. It's just so convenient to have my hands and arms available at all times, so convenient to have quiet...

I can do a bazillion things at once!

Hooray!

I am experiencing a new weird sensation though! It feels like I have to poop almost all the time. Definitely ALL the time when I'm at work, then MOST of the time when I'm off... but here's the thing, I don't have to actually poop. W.T.F. ??? Has anyone else felt this weird sensation?? I'm starting to get paranoid... will I be constipated soon? Will I get hemorrhoids on top of morphing into Fat Gumby?! K, I'm going to spare you the horrific images displayed to me when I typed in "Hemorrhoids" in google search... I am... speechless right now at what I just saw. Hemorrhoids are NASTY BUSINESS! Holy crap people! Seeing those images made me wanna go grab every laxative known to man and just guzzle to prevent my little butt hole from having to sustain permanent damage... After all, what did my butt do to deserve that?! My butt has nothing to do with this! It's not my butt hole's fault that my vagina has a house guest for a few more weeks! It makes me sad that my butt hole could be caught in the crossfire.

This is my butt hole looking toward my vagina.

Right now.

On a lighter note, I got to hang out with my friends at the race track this past weekend and I felt like myself again! 

You know its bad when you keep your friend's helmet on just to smell the sweat.

I felt strangely more perverted smelling the helmet than I would've had I smelled someone's seat.

Of course being at the track was cool and I was happy to see my friends do extremely well but this impending delivery is never far from my mind. Vanson is losing room by the day and I can feel him more and more. It's definitely more painful everyday, no, not the feet swelling and all that ugly business, but I mean his movements. Because they are more pronounced there is never a dull moment going on in my body between my diaphragm and my low pelvis. He's either sticking his foot out, in my ribs, sucker punching my bladder, or squishing my colon. I've been feeling my uterus flexing more as well... when it does I feel like it should be screaming a low, guttural scream, like a guy sounds when he's squatting a bunch of weight. 

Just gettin' ready for the birth, don't mind me.

Something that's been on my mind lately... water breaking. How cool would it be for Vanson to be born veiled? I know its an old wives tale, but veiled kids are supposed to be special, to have extra senses, whether that's seeing auras or being clairvoyant, or having a 6th sense. One step further though... kids born in the bag. Yeah, water never breaks and they slide on through all intact. Born with what's called a "Caul".

Born in the bag.

Nice 'n tidy.

I wonder how that feels? Does the mother still bleed a little bit? I would imagine she has to. How is that bag supposed to squeak by if it's all dry and stuff? Do they let the dad break the bag? Can the baby hang out in the bag for a bit and be fine? Makes me wonder if my water will break. When it does, will I know it? 

Did anyone else hear that gush?

What was that?

Speaking of water breaking... my husband asked me to put together a list of things I'd like and not like during the big event. I thought that was very thoughtful of him. I think he's getting excited to become a dad, and that makes me more excited too! I can see myself taking photo after photo of Vanson sleeping on his chest, and I'm sure the site will make me cry because I'll be so proud... anyway, back to the list... I have to say, I feel resistant to the idea of Pitocin. Why? You ask... I'm afraid it'll stress Vanson out too much and could lead to an unnecessary C-Section... I'd also like to give it a go as long as I can without an epidural... we'll see what happens, I'd like to say I'm just going to roll with things. But honestly, the things I care about most: Don't cut his cord until it's done pulsing, don't give me Pit unless I absolutely need it, and lets not do an epidural unless I absolutely need it. Oh, and don't break my water. I'd also like to labor at home for a bit first, you know, when it's not a big deal. I don't wanna run off to the hospital the minute I notice a pattern. I'd like to walk it out a little first. I'm afraid they'll stick me in a bed and throw a monitor on me and not let me move around. 

I need to walk around!!!

But who really knows just yet. It could be pain that just absolutely cracks me in half with light splitting out of me. It could be 36 hours of intense labor, maybe so painful I pass out? Anyway, my point is, who the hell really knows what it'll be like for me. I think I just need to keep telling myself to be as open as possible and when the big show happens I need to just do what I need to do to get 'er done. Just like all the ladies that have done this before me. 

Tough broads right there.